A broken Swan Read online

  “You are too adorable for me,” I said while laughing.

  “It’s true though,” Gabriel quietly said with that same intensity look on his face. His eyes darkened for him to challenge me. I looked away and I held my breath. What was he saying to me?

  “It’s true, you are adorable Jamie,” Chelsea said, laughing nervously looking back from me and Gabriel like she was missing something. I didn’t want her to know that I was starting to like the guy she wanted.

  “Honey, are you sure you want to have a birthday party this year? You know every year I want to throw one, but you always insist that you don’t need one,” Aunt Helen asked in a worry. She frowned. She knew that I wasn’t a social person. Such a good Aunt, such a wonderful mother at the same time. Like my mom, I thought. Everyone turned to look at me. Great, spotlight again. Chelsea’s eyes pleading “Let it happen”. I turned to my aunt, gave her a small reassuring smile, shrugged and answered “Sure.” She and Uncle Robert both smile widened and beamed at me.

  I continued to eat, conversing quietly with Gemma. Gemma turned out to be an easy going, edgy kind of girl. Since she grew up in New York which, it was probably why she had the edge to her personality. She was really nice and never said anything negative. She was realistic. Straight to the point, which saved a lot of time. If Jayla was like Gemma, then Kevin definitely found his match. I found that I enjoyed her company. But there was something in her eyes that I noticed, it was sorrow. It was something I understood all too well. I wondered what happened.

  Dinner was wonderful. I also enjoyed talking to Jamie. He was smart for his age. Knew his alphabet well, and he knew how to spell his name. The Ryan family turned out to be a group of great individuals. But something was in the air about them, like they were putting on a face. Something had happened for this family to have so much tension. Gemma showed to be more expressive. I looked over at Gabriel, who was in a deep conversation with Chelsea, and was glad that he wasn’t looking at me. It gave me time to look at him. Strong nose, jaw, high cheekbones, a face I wouldn’t mind photographing. Maybe I’ll take a picture of him when he’s not looking. But that made me sound like a stalker. His eyes were not as expressive as Gemma, but it showed one thing; wisdom, like he’s seen enough in his life than other teenagers our age. It could be that he was the oldest.

  And then all of a sudden, his eyes caught mine. This time, I didn’t look away. I stared at him with wonder, trying to see if I could catch a glimpse of what I saw in Gemma’s eyes. He stared back at me. I wondered if my eyes showed things. I was good at covering up my feelings. I didn’t look at him like I knew other girls did; desire. I looked at him, frowning at him trying to comprehend him. What is going on in the head of yours Gabriel? What happened? And then for a moment, his eye bared it all. Grief, regret, anger, despair. My eyes questioned his, not in pity, but in understanding. Chelsea unaware that we were having staring at each other kept talking away. At this moment, I could tell that both of us did not see or hear anyone except ourselves. After one minute which felt like forever, he stiffened and looked away, like he wasn’t ready for anyone to know his secrets.

  “My brother can be a little too good looking,” Gemma said pointing out the obvious.

  I realized she must have seen us looking at each other. At first I was embarrass, then I thought, who cares, it was probably something she was use to whenever she was with her brother. Girls drooling over him. But I wasn’t drooling, at least, I hope not.

  I smiled in agreement. I didn’t know what else to say.

  “He’s more than looks though. He’s a great older brother. Always taking on more than when he shouldn’t be. Dad couldn’t have asked for a better son; he’s all around sports guy, sensitive, smart, does well in school. I don’t think girls really realize that he’s deeper than his looks. Always in a deep thought. Whenever he opened his mouth, you pay attention. He’s so serious, yet understanding. But girls never care about his personality. They just want him because he’s gorgeous. That’s why he hasn’t really dated. He’s looking for the right girl to listen to him, rather than look at him,” Gemma explained. Interesting, I thought to myself. No doubt he was gorgeous to look at. I wasn’t so sure now that Chelsea was the right girl for him. Gabriel looked over at me and Gemma. His left brow arched up in a question, realizing that she and I were looking at him, I looked away and laughed quietly with Gemma.

  The Ryan family finally went home. Jamie gave me a hug, which made my night. A little boy full of innocence who knew no pain or suffering. Hopefully he never will, I thought to myself.

  “Isn’t he wonderful?” Chelsea said and sighed.

  “Yes honey, he is, I can see why girls your age go ga-ga over him,” Aunt Helen teased.

  Chelsea groaned, “Oh mom!”

  I helped Aunt Helen finish cleaning and said goodnight. In bed, I lay there pondering, wondering what Gabriel was thinking right now. He’s not thinking about me, he has to be thinking about Chelsea. I sighed, rolled over to my side and closed my eyes falling into a deep sleep.

  Chapter 8

  I think after that dinner, Gabriel started to avoid me a little. I didn’t have to worry about finding a seat because he didn’t sought out to sit by me. I thought he sought me out at first because I was the only one he knew. But then again, we really didn’t know each other. We only talked to each other for like five minutes at the cemetery. I wasn’t sure how to take it. Is he scared that I might know his secrets? Does he know about mine? Someone must have told him and his family about what happened to me. He probably thinks you’re a freak, I said to myself.

  I shook my head. It didn’t matter. It seemed he was improving in Chelsea’s book. All she ever did was talk about him during dinner. “He doesn’t talk much, but he’s a great listener like you Odette” or “He’s on the football team and all the cheerleaders are trying to get at him, but he only pays attention to me” or “He has such a great body, he was all sweaty during football practice, his uniform was plastered on his body.” Of course, Kevin would roll his eyes and I would giggle. Inside my heart was hurting a little. But I pushed it aside. I’d see Uncle Robert looking at me from time to time, like he knew what I was thinking. I’d plaster a fake smile at him so he didn’t suspect anything.

  Christmas was coming. Holidays used to be the hardest for me. But Uncle Robert and Aunt Helen made up for it. Christmas was my favorite holiday. It was my favorite because it was my mom and dad’s favorite. Sitting by the fireplace with hot chocolate in my hands, decorations on the mantel, with the thought of Santa Clause filling up the stockings and under the Christmas trees. Of course Santa wasn’t real, but it made me think of the days of innocence. No worries in the world except opening presents. Who wouldn’t love that?

  Gabriel finally talked to me a few times in English whenever we happened to sit next to each other. I guess he decided to stop avoiding me. I wasn’t as nervous as I use to be with him. I was still shy with him though. He was very intimidating. He was almost like Chelsea, so sure of himself, so confident. He was that strong silent type of guy but when he knows what he wants, he goes and gets it. But I could understand what Gemma was talking about. When he opened his mouth to say something, it was meaningful. Girls seem to fight him for attention all the time. I think he liked talking to me because I didn’t fight for his attention at all. Sometimes he stared at me like he was trying to see into my soul. Sometimes silence between us said a lot more than words. It was frightening.

  Gemma was starting to become a great friend. I could still see the sadness in her. But I knew she knew about what happened to me, because I could see in her eyes that she knew I understood the pain she was going through and wouldn’t ask any questions. There would be a moment in time when I would ask her, but it was too soon. It seemed she still needed time to heal herself. It might have been a reason why the family moved here so abruptly. She’d sought me out during school and sit by me during lunch time. I didn’t mind eating by myself because it gave me time to read. I stil
l kept Pride and Prejudice to read in my backpack because mom was the one that bought me the book. It was so worn out from all the times I’ve read it.

  I never sat in the cafeteria like Chelsea and Gabriel. Sometimes I’d sit outside and just enjoy the cold. It was Ithaca, PA. We get snow here all the time. But I liked how the cold numbed me up. It makes me realize that I can still feel, that I’m still alive. It shocked me whenever Gabriel came to sit with me. I felt the joy shoot inside me. He could sit with anyone else but chose to be with me. He did something that I was glad lot of people didn’t do. He just sat next to me, not speaking, no talking, just sat next to me and stare off into the opening, appreciating the scenery with me. I think it was also something he was used to as well. Ithaca was a beautiful place. During the winter, it was like a winter wonderland with all the white snow. It was beautiful when the sun was up shining down. The trees bare of leaves but snow managed to fall and land on the branches. When the bell rang, he’d help me up; hold my hand for a bit too long staring down at me with this look in his blue eyes like he wanted to say something, say more but he’d drop my hand and walk me to my next class. He was becoming an enigma to me. I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me. If it was friendship, I could easily give him that. Gemma told me he wanted to get to know me. Maybe she was mistaken because I thought he was interested in Chelsea.

  Chelsea may talk about him, but I hadn’t seen them go on a date. I didn’t see any action between them really. What was I to know? I tried to avoid them together as much as possible because it hurt me.

  I remember after school, the sun was still up, there was snow on the ground and I knew it would be the perfect time to get some shots in around the woods in the backyard. It was still cold so I had to bundle up. I grabbed my Nikon camera and walked outside. The land we had was huge. So beautiful filled with trees and grass. The land was shared with the Ryan’s. Since our family was good friends, we didn’t have restrictions on crossing each other’s land. We did share a beautiful lake. Charlie, Chelsea, Kevin and I christened the lake; Wolf lake. Because we felt like Red Riding hood trying to get through the woods to get to the lake, teasing, saying ‘don’t let the wolf get you’ and run through it. And when we got to the lake, we’d all scream “WOLF!” and fall to the ground and laugh. It was a great memory.

  I was taking pictures of some trees, the way the sun reflected of the snow, humming to myself. It was a good thing I was hidden behind a huge tree, because at the corner of my eye, I saw Gabriel sitting on top of a beautiful black horse, beautiful like his owner, intently staring out into the frozen lake in a deep thought. He looked handsome, so valiant, and so strong. The sun reflected against him so wonderfully. His black hair so dark and even from the distance his ocean blue eyes showed prominently. He didn’t see me at all. But then again, he looked like he was thinking oblivious to his surroundings. His face was an open book right now. It looked like he was fighting within himself, arguing about something. He was wearing a green plaid jacket with a pair of black jeans. He had gloves on. I can see his cold breath. His legs were muscular and long from the way his jeans hugged on him. My handsome Gabriel, what tortures you so? I thought to myself. This time I didn’t want to argue with myself if he was mine or not. Deep down in my heart, in my own mind, he was my Gabriel. Even if I would never be with him, he was someone special to me.

  With such a beautiful scene he created, I couldn’t help but capture it on my camera. I was glad I put the sound it on silent. I moved quietly, taking as many as I could. I accidentally stepped on a branch on the ground, which made a noise and I stopped. I saw him shoot his head in my direction. Oh crap, I hope he didn’t see me, I thought. I prayed silently and hoped he didn’t come my way.

  He didn’t. He pulled on the reins of the horse, “Come on Midnight, must have been an animal, let’s get you home before it gets dark.” He said to the horse. Midnight. What a perfect name for a horse. My Midnight rider. I smiled. When I knew he was out of sight, I walked home myself. I knew the woods like the back of my hands. But I know that Uncle Robert would have a fit if I didn’t get home before the sun was setting. I couldn’t wait to develop the pictures. It would prove to be one of my favorites in my collection. If mom was still alive, she would agree. I could hear her teasing me “What a gorgeous creature, the guy sitting on it isn’t that bad either.” And we would laugh together. I miss you mom.

  Sometimes I swear when the wind blows, I can hear her whispering “I miss you too my Swan princess, miss you too.”

  Chapter 9

  It was last day of class before Christmas break. School went on as normal. Everyone getting excited because of the two week break we were getting. The assignment that Mrs. Sinclair gave us was in the back of my head. Every now and then I would ponder about it, thinking how or what I would do differently next year that will help me. I don’t know, buy a new camera? I shook my head no. This was a challenge. I realized Mrs. Sinclair didn’t specify what kind of things. She wanted us to come with it ourselves. I can hear Tracy “I want to get a lip injection so it’ll make my lips more pouty. It’ll help with my acting image.” I laughed to myself. She would say something like that. You should work on your acting first Tracy, I thought to myself.

  Gabriel was constantly on my mind. When he wasn’t looking, I was looking at him. His side profile, the back of his head. I was pathetic. I even realized that his nose looked like it was broken once. It didn’t matter. He was so beautiful within. I could see it whenever he was with his sisters, the protective older brother syndrome. Or the way he treated Jamie, although almost twelve years older, he never excluded Jamie and let him be a kid. What a great older brother.

  It was also in the way he was with me too. He understood that my actions spoke more than words. I was surprised at how much time we spent together. I was more surprise on how comfortable he and I became with each other. Sometimes he’d tuck my hair behind my ears or play with the end of my hair strands. I’d feel tingles go down my spine. He’d talk to me about his dreams, how great his parents are. He’d tell me about funny stories with him and Gemma, Gemma always getting him in trouble. Sometimes I feel like he wanted to say more but held himself back. There were times where I felt the connection and he snatched it away as if afraid. Or he’d stare at me intently, his eyes telling me he understands. What did he understand? That I couldn’t talk about what happened with my parents? That I felt that in some ways I could’ve stopped them from being killed. That I should’ve paid attention. That I felt this burden for so long that it wouldn’t go away. Is that what he understood? It didn’t matter how perfect he was or not because he would never be mine. Perfect, like the first time I met him. Even though I knew he wasn’t, he was still perfection to me. Perfection.

  I gasped. My eyes widened. People around me in English class looked at me like I was crazy. I saw Gabriel looking at me with his eyes questioning me if I was all right. I shook my head and looked down. I realized looking down at my notebook; I wrote a word I’d never thought would happen to me: Love. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was Chelsea’s guy. At least I think he was even though they hadn’t gone out once. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t do this to Chelsea. She claimed the other day that she might be falling in love with him. Seems like we were in the same boat. Great.

  My heart starting pounding, my palms started getting sweaty. I kept looking at the clock wishing it would hurry up. I had to get out of here. It didn’t matter if I missed the rest of my classes today. I needed to go somewhere. I needed to see my parents.

  The bell rang. I grabbed my stuff and practically ran out of the room. I could hear Gabriel calling my name. I ignored him. I went to my car and drove off to the place I first met him.

  Chapter 10

  The snowed covered their gravestones. I wiped the snow off and touched their names lovingly.

  Simon L. Callaghan, Loving Husband to Alissa, father to Odette and son to Charles and Susan.

  Alissa R. Callaghan, Loving Wife to Simon, mother t
o Odette, and daughter to Raymond and Lisa.

  For the first time in four years, I cried. Cried in hopelessness. Cried that they that weren’t here to help me understand this feeling. My dad had said to me once that he thought mom was perfect the first time he met her. And even after marriage, she was still perfect. “Love does that to you” he said and laughed. I remember thinking that I never knew perfection, since I’ve never been in love. Is this how it feels? Gabriel was perfect to me. Does this mean I love him? In my heart, the back of my head whispered, Odette you love him. I don’t know when it happened. I just knew that he had a beautiful soul, a soul I wish I could share with mine. He was a smart, a kind, hardworking son to his parents, a good hearted brother to his siblings and a special friend to me. I wiped my tears with the back of my hands. Oh mom, dad, what do I do? I’m so scared of this feeling. I’m so scared of being hurt. My heart has been broken for so long. Your broken swan that doesn’t know if she can piece herself back together, I thought to myself. I close my eyes in hopes of an answer. I heard silence. Nothing. I heard my own breathing. I wiped the rest of the tears from my eyes. I looked at my watch and realized it was getting close to dinner. I didn’t realize I was here for so long. I knew that the school would call Aunt Helen and Uncle Robert informing them of my absence. I knew that when I drove home, I would be questioned. I never missed class. So they knew that something was really wrong.